“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words and never stops at all” ~Emily Dickenson.
I will never forget the night I went to visit my mom in the hospital while she had cancer. A stranger came up to me in the hallway and handed me a beautiful journal that said Hope. She said she wanted me to have it. Not knowing at the time that this journal would get me through many long nights of grief after the loss of my mother.
Hope was one of my moms favorite words and it became her motto late in life. She liked to use the word to inspire friends, family and coworkers. It was only natural that when I made her funeral remembrance pamphlet for family and friends that I put the word Hope on the front cover.
One night I was looking through the journal and found the Emily Dickenson poem above. It reminded me of my mom and I put it in her remembrance pamphlet as well. I thanked the kind stranger again in my heart. I never saw this person again but I still treasure the journal and the sentiment. Perhaps she was a guardian angel who knew I would need this comfort after such a great loss.
I think everyone has an angel of Hope. A guardian angel that never lets us give up whether it be our dreams, our faith or our will to keep going no matter what is happening in our lives.
I started to make this angel and noticed it resembled my mother. I wasn’t trying to purposely paint my mother and honestly not sure I could paint a portrait as this is only the second face I’ve ever painted. Oddly enough it kept reminding me of my mom. Only it was “chemo” mom. Before this angel had hair it looked like my mom after she shaved her head because the chemotherapy was making her hair fall out. I don’t think it looks like her as much as I wasn’t able to duplicate her hair style but I decided to make her the angel of hope in my moms honor.
I am finally coming to terms with the loss of my mother. After she died I felt like my life ended as well. I suppose that would be normal for most daughters especially if their mother was one of their best friends but I don’t think it should still be the case six years later. For many years after my mom died I really did feel like my life was over.
I have always been very sensitive to other peoples energy and emotions. Being in loud, busy environments is becoming more and more challenging. Its even difficult to watch the news with the overload of negative stories and headlines. Its not uncommon for me to come home from a simple trip to the grocery store totally exhausted to the point where I have to lie down. I can even pick up other peoples energy via phone conversations that again require rest on my part to recover. Its also not uncommon for me to be approached by total strangers who poor their heart out to me in intimate detail. These conversations depending on their tone may leave me drained and tense. As a veterinarian, its also becoming ever more difficult to work in extremely busy clinics or hospitals where I have to go from patient to patient every 20 minutes or so with no time to recover in between. I am even becoming more sensitive to the animals but that’s another blog!
I have finally realized this past year that I am a highly sensitive/empathic person. I truly believe that while living in my moms house, I have picked up on her residual feelings of despair knowing that her life was over. I have been feeling like my life was over not because that is truly how I feel but because I was confusing my mothers emotions for my own. Its a relief to finally realize this so now I can cleanse the house and myself of this energy. Its also very sad to know just how my mom felt.
I am now learning how to protect my sensitive soul and energy. I know my mom is lovingly watching over me and is no longer suffering. As am I.